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Location: Oklahoma, United States

The hardest question for me to answer in this world is always the "Tell us all about you" question. The best way for me to answer is that "I am composed of contradictions and subject to change without notice."

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7.13.2006

Wax is not your friend

A good friend of mine sent me this via email today. It is LOL funny in a demented sort of way.
"All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady,
scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come
home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the
thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the
next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site
of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it
be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure this out. !

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips
facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing
them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the
hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold
the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it
wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am
She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of
smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on
the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties
and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side
of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
*hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside
of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY
GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only
managed to pull off half the strip. OH NO! What have I
done???!!! Another deep breath and RRIIP! P!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass
out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing
drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one
that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt
sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is
my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS
THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the
toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the
strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part
of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and
matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do
something. So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES
BEFORE ME!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure
out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let
me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water
melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand
into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits
and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe
it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize
surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether
regions glued together is having them glued together
and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding
hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I
had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months
ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before
and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a
very good conversation starter - "So, my butt and
who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret
tricks for removal but she does try to hide her
laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the
wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I
give her the rundown and she suggests I call the
number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered
in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a
major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see
my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove
the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this
point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the
dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT
WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she
hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and
then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS
STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing ! hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at
this point."


Now that's funny ....... Notttttttttt!

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Belhoste: Wax is not your friend » Composed of contradictions and subject to change without notice

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Comments on "Wax is not your friend"

 

Anonymous Dwayne "the canoe guy" said ... (8/02/2006 4:10 PM) : 

I am sooooo glad I'm male. I'm also glad I'm part Indian & fairly hairless.

 

Blogger Belhoste said ... (8/03/2006 7:44 PM) : 

You know, men get waxed too.

 

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